According to Fly.fm..yesterday was Flirting Day! guess what i did yesterday? Stay in and sleep! ;) Happy Flirting Day pillows and bed..

...but..

Im now writing a real blog. Like what real people do! Been locking myself in my room for days now (of coz I do come out to go to work)..right after work, back in my room. Doing what? Apart from sleeping, im in marathon to finish the ‘How I Met Your Mother’ series. Been into it too much until I really got carried away. N’way, in one of the episode, they were talking about ‘but’..let’s rewind to my real life for a bit.. I just (still feel like it ‘just’ happened but honestly, it happened about 6 months ago) broke up with my ex. We were supposed to get married. Bought both engagement n wedding rings already, bought kain for baju tunang, bought the hantarans and the decorations, went to see the pelamin, did survey for the food and booked the venue already! Yes, that was how close things were to the actual event. THEN, two months before our engagement day, the unbelievable thing happened! We broke up! Why? Simple, he’s a chicken, a jackass and has no balls (literally! Although I hope it’s for real)! what makes me say that? Hmm..simple, someone told his parents that I smoke and showed them pictures of me wearing bikinis (which was taken way before I met him)..being typical parents, they were disappointed with me and called off the whole wedding thingy. HE on the other hand, refused to (too chicken or doesn’t love me as much as he said he does) stand up for me. Knowing that his reputation will be tarnished by standing up for me, (because what he did without his parents knowledge is, trust me, wayyy worst than me! At least, my parents are aware with the things that I do..EVERY SINGLE THING! even the bad and crazy ones)..but him, just pray hard that you could be a God damn good actor in front of your parents or im sure they will get a heart attack realizing, a girl who used to wear a bikini is way better than a guy who is a womanizer and used to be an alcoholic! His refusal to stand up for me, is nothing. His mom thinking that his son is an angel and sending me rude and outrages sms-es is still not the bad part, treating our breakup as just another normal breakup and found himself a new girlfriend a couple of months later, still not the worst part! THE WORST PART is.., although he already has a new girlfriend (who is nice, naïve and innocent), he is still being a jackass! Here’s why..While his girlfriend is in hospital bed in JB, just undergone an operation..guess what he has been doing in KL? Haha..i don’t think I have to explain it here..they are all the *censored* stuffs. Nuff said that, he forgot that I have 5 years legal trainings and I keep my evidences well! And if these evidences (the photos, the sms-es, the voice/video calls) came to his gf’s knowledge, im very sure she would want to Clorox every single part of her skin that has a direct contact with him ;) yes, what he did was not before he met her, but during the period that they are in relationship and while she’s sick! Guys and their lust..they could never be separated! Did I mentioned that he’s planning to marry this girl? Haha..yes, he is..i don’t know how he’s going to live with all the guilt if he does marry this girl..or maybe, he is just too stone hearted and will never have that guilt.. Ok, back on track! The ‘but’ thingy..these couple of days, I’ve been collecting my ‘but(s)’..the reason? To perfect my imperfectness..Im too worn out with my recent failure in “love” so now im trying to evaluate myself..to change all the negative part of me and be a better person so that when I meet a new guy, I’ll be closer to perfect..What’s a ‘but’? haha..ok..let say you want to introduce me to a guy. You’ll tell him, “hey look! You should meet my friend, Tisha! She’s really nice, she’s pretty, has a good job..bla bla bla (and the list goes on)..”..In that conversation, you’ll bring forward all the positive part of me and will be leaving out all the bad ones you know bout me because it’ll defeat the purpose of you wanting that guy to get to know me if he knows the bad side of me as well..so, I want to know the negative part..the ‘but’ that you conceal… ‘she’s nice, she’s cute..but..?? After doing some survey, here are the list of my ‘but(s)’.. Friend No. 1: High ego (rejected! That’s not a ‘but’..reason: guys always think their ego is bigger so dropping my ego will be a challenge to him..and guys love challenges..so, automatically, the ‘but’ became a plus point!) Friend No. 2: Huge ego! (again, denied as to the same reason) Friend No. 3: Big ego! (DENIED!) Friend No. 4: “she’s very pretty but although she might look nice on the outside, she’s actually not that ‘nice’ (still, that’s not a ‘but’..guys love naughty girls ;)) Friend No. 5: Cunning (could be both a ‘but’ and a plus point) Friend No. 6: “Need huge attention, jealousy, always **censored**, easily insecure, self centered, can be a bitch sometimes, sensitive, manipulative, need to give her space when she asked for it” (this one is tough, I don’t know whether he’s trying to generalize all girls just for the sake of answering my question or he’s actually referring to me because some of it is true but some of it, hmmm..even my ex-s doesn’t think so) Im still collecting my ‘but(s)’ so, this post might be edited from time to time ;) p/s: this is one hella long post!

If you dont go after what you want,
You'll never have it!
If you dont ask,
The answer is always NO!
If you dont step forward,
You're always in the same place

~Norah Roberts (America's favourite novelist)

Nyah! Shooh!

Dah marah
dah hina
dah herdik
dah pekik
dah lolong
entah bila nak faham!

Pergi la jauh-jauh
terus hilang pon takpe
kau telah muflis dari tingginya rasa yang pernah ku beri!

Kau Bukan Manusia

Kau serupa Iblis
yang lohong dadanya
tak punya hati atau rasa

Akalmu mungkin sebesar zarah
atau mungkin tidak pernah tercipta

Dirimu terlalu durjana
tak layak bergelar manusia
binatang pon lebih luhur pekertinya

Lahirmu ke alam fana
pastinya hanya untuk mengundang murka

You should burn yourself in hell
jump straight into the fiery well
never ever think of coming back to life
as your presence has been denied

Kaulah sehina-hina makhluk yang pernah tercipta!

;)

Will be hanging out wif the girls tonight.. at last! am relinquishing the feminine side of me..too much lingering wif guys had somehow increased my testosterone hormone! not good!! ;))

p/s: wow! im actually blogging in here! hahaha

Tishakan kuat ;)

Tepis, tepuk, tampar
teguhkan pasak khilafmu..
pegang kukuh pendirianmu
ikat kemas jalinan tutur awalmu
teguhkan kata putusmu

Bukan ini takdirmu..
padam semua ralat coretan dulu
bukan ini titik noktahnya
masih ada simpang siurnya
masih ada cebis cahaya di celah keping kecelakaanmu

Bilang pada suara kecil yang menganak tirikan hatimu..
Herdik setiap bisikan syaitan yang tegar menjatuhkan egomu
Cemuh segala godaan iblis yang menggoncang keutuhanmu

Jasadmu, nalurimu, rohanimu..
Hanya di telunjuk jarimu sendiri..

Kerja

Saya tak suka buat kerja ni
tapi saya buat jugak
orang kata..kerja tu amanah..
suka ke tak suka
penat ke tak penat
kena buat jugak

Tapi..kerja ni bukan kerja saya
kerja saya menjerit-jerit dari meja
menjeling-jeling dari fail yang bertingkat
dan melambai-lambai dari inbox email yang penuh
Kenapa saya perlu ada di sini,
dan buat kerja ni?
Ni bukan kerja saya

Kenapa?
"Saya Yang Menurut Perintah" agaknya..
atau mungkin juga
"Berkhidmat Untuk Negara"

geez~! blwekkk~!!!

Questions..

Questions are suppose to be answered
they are suppose to be understood, entangled and entertained to..

Questions not answered
are like kites with no strings
trees with no fruits
plants with no flowers
or..even houses with no residents

Questions are often not answered
either unwilling to be answered
or not knowing the answers
or even clear refusal to answer

Whatever the reasons are..
Questions either in your mind,
expressly uttered
or silently babbled
not necessarily being answered

No answer means no conclusion
No conclusion means no decision
No decision means staying in status quo..

Mengorak lagi..

Merangkak masih di tapak yang sama
Pada fasa yang sama
Pada kekuatan yang sama

Terkuis kiri dan kanan
Terhantuk lagi dan lagi
Kadangnya tersungkur
..bangun kembali
Kadangnya selesa
..tersedar sendiri

Dongak syukur pada setiap hembus nafas yang di ambil
Jatuh, bangun..
Panas, sejuk..
Tetap bertadah pada langit
Alhamdulillah..